I just got out of my first counseling session with a life coach. I decided that it would be a good idea to have an impartial third party to talk to about this mess that I call my life. In the past month, I've lost my home, my career, my husband and one of my best friends--it has been a lot to digest. I find myself, sitting, and thinking, "Where do I go from here?" I know that I need to pick up the pieces and move on, I'm just not sure how to do that. Part of me feels so cheated. Here I was, prepared to spend quality time raising my two daughters and enjoying exploring the big city with them and now, my world has been turned upside down...all of my expectations have been tossed to the wind. Now, I am living with my parents (again) and may be forced to join the minimum wage workforce just to pay some of my bills. The idea of having to do unskilled labor just doesn't sit well with me when I think about how I worked my butt off for 4 years in college and then have several years of experience working in a library. It just seems so demeaning and I'm having a hard time getting past that. Plus, when I think about it, it hardly seems worth my while to go to work at some job that I'm really not going to like, put both of my children into the arms of strangers, make minimum wage and only have a few $$ left to pay off creditors. I suppose though, that having a little bit of money is better than not having any. I have faced the facts that my good credit rating is forever ruined. I just pray that my car (which I just finally paid off) holds out for another 7 years! It's scary for me not to have my credit to fall back on since that's how my family has survived for the last almost 6 years...need something? Laura will charge it. I am going to have to get used to living within my means without my safety neat--SCARY.
I am also dealing with the reality that I'm going to be a single parent and that my girls are well on their way to becoming a national statistic. I am so scaredthat I'm not going to be able to handle it or provide a good life for my girls. I know, I need a serious shot of "believe in thyself" but it's so hard for me to think positive right now. Since I am going to have sole physical custoy, I am going to be the sole person responsible for raising my girls to be positive members of society, a task that frightens me to no end. I'm not the best parent, I lose my cool a lot, getting very short and frustrated. I know this much, I'm going to try my darnest! I just want my girls to be happy and well adjusted, that's all that matters to me.
Thankfully, Caitlin hasn't been affected too much yet by what's going on. She does know that we're living with Grandma and Grandpa and that Daddy lives somewhere else but that's about all that she understands. Someday, I'm going to have to explain it to her. She adores her daddy and I think the feeling is mutual with him, so I will do what I can to preserve her relationship with him. Cara is so young and doesn't have a clue, for better or worse. Her daddy is really going to have to work hard to have a relationship with her.
Oh, the changes that our lives are going to be going through.
I have started the process of filing the divorce paperwork. It's 20 pages long! Ben & I are going to have to get together a few times to work out some things, but hopefully, by my 29th birthday, the divorce will be final and then, I'll be really free to move on. I need to figure out how to live my life on purpose and get through all of these transitions.
Okay, thanks for reading this rather somber post...I just felt that I needed to vent about everything that I have been feeling...