Monday, January 30, 2012

In A Nutshell

My first post for the new year and it's going to be a hodge podge of things...sorry about that...but I have a lot of things to talk about.

For starters, it's officially been a year since my divorce was finalized. Wow, I cannot believe it's been that long and in other ways, it seems like it's been 10 times as long. I remember, back in mid-2010, contemplating whether or not ending my almost 10 year marriage was what I really wanted, deep down inside. While cleaning today, I even found my "journal" that I used one snowy day in early 2010, to collect my thoughts in an attempt to decide on a direction for my life and my girls' lives.

Now, one year later, I know, in my heart of hearts, that I did the right thing even though, a lot of days, I have many doubts.

When I made the decision to end my marriage, my children and I left behind our life in suburban Denver for the small town living of the Western Slope. We truly got a fresh start. New town (though I "grew up" here and have lived here once before as an adult), new apartment, new schools, new job. I was (and still am) forging ahead, across totally foreign terrain, as a single parent. I remember, in the beginning, that it was all about survival, making it from one day to the next. Quality of life got pushed to the sidelines for awhile as we got our feet planted on the ground and comfortable, new routines established.

Soon, we will mark two years in our current apartment, two years of me working at a sub-par job, two years since our fresh start. I am proud of the progress that the girls & I have made, how far we've come. Our apartment is definitely home and while my current job is no where near what one would call a career, it pays the bills and gives me something to occupy my mind 4 days a week.

To say that I am "settling" for my current position would be a granduois understatement. When I graduated from college after working my tail end off for 4.5 years (including numerous internships and a wonderful work/study at the campus library), never did I envision myself, 10 some-odd-years later, working in a field totally not related to either my degree or my experience. My first job out of college had nothing (well, maybe remotely) to do with my freshly obtained degree in sociology but, it did utilize my 3 years of experience in the library realm. I loved that job and said job helped to begin my "career" in libraries. I went on to work in a prison (*gasp*, I know) library for a few years, further expanding my library knowledge and infacuation. When the decision was made for me to stay home full-time after Cara's birth, it was my every intention to return to library land once Cara was in Kindergarten.

Fast forward to August of last year where, try as I might, I could not find a library-related job in the small town that we live in. Heck, I couldn't find any job that would make use of my degree or experience. Thus, settling for the position that I now's a paycheck and that's about it. I regularly check the classified ads for our small town only to discouraged at the lack of openings. I also religiously check a site that posts library positions throughout the state of Colorado. I have stumbled across several position that I wish I could apply for only to realize, for all intent and purposes, I am stuck in this town, as wonderful as it has been, for several reasons.

1. I really do not want to move the girls, again, just when we have finally established a sense of normalcy here.
2. If we were to move where the majority of these jobs are (Denver Metro area), the girls & I will be on our own and, to be honest, that prospect scares me as, right now, we are so thankful to have my parents close by for moral support, babysitting and so many other things.
3. The costs associated with moving are just too great at this point. The actual move (renting a van, gas for said van) would kill me financially not to mention the costs of finding a new home and establishing child care.

All things considered, for better or worse, we are "stuck" here for awhile. There are good things about being stuck--great, supportive school for the girls, having my parents nearby, the actual town itself--so it's not a total bummer. I have, however, decided that someway, somehow, I have to get unstuck and to move ahead, instead of just subsisting. Even...if that means completely changing things up in terms of what I thought I wanted to do with the rest of my life (be a librarian) and investigate new avenues that spark my interest. Now, I'm still considering my masters in library science because that's still where I feel the strongest pull but, at the same time, I am thinking about what else might be a good match for me. More and more, I am becoming drawn to special education and therapy because of Cara and all that we've been through with her education. I have began to look into requirements for a special education teacher license and find it quite intriguing. I suppose, the possibilities are endless for a new career direction. Who knows what will come of it. In addition to discovering new avenues, I have also decided to being seriously studying for the GRE so that I will have one admission requirement complete if and when I decide to persue a master's degree. Baby steps are what I'm taking but it feels good to be going move forward.

Okay, I think that's enough for one post. More to come as I continue to collect my thoughts. :o)


Judy said...

Sososososo proud of you and how far you have come. You are amazing and strong, and I know you probably don't feel that way all the time (and I totally respect that), you are making a difference in two little lives there, and that is the world. And you are doing it with YOU.

Hang in there.

BTW, check the "expiration date" of a GRE. Mine was five years for my master's program.

Mary said...

Being in the small town you are in now really does have many things that are good for you and your family - to save time just reviewing all you said in your blog. I think it is a good foundation for you and the girls if you do decide to spread your wings, so to say, at a later point in time.

You are not stagnating - you are thinking ahead and you will find the right way to go for you and girls. Bless you for being you...


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