My first post for the new year and it's going to be a hodge podge of things...sorry about that...but I have a lot of things to talk about.
For starters, it's officially been a year since my divorce was finalized. Wow, I cannot believe it's been that long and in other ways, it seems like it's been 10 times as long. I remember, back in mid-2010, contemplating whether or not ending my almost 10 year marriage was what I really wanted, deep down inside. While cleaning today, I even found my "journal" that I used one snowy day in early 2010, to collect my thoughts in an attempt to decide on a direction for my life and my girls' lives.
Now, one year later, I know, in my heart of hearts, that I did the right thing even though, a lot of days, I have many doubts.
When I made the decision to end my marriage, my children and I left behind our life in suburban Denver for the small town living of the Western Slope. We truly got a fresh start. New town (though I "grew up" here and have lived here once before as an adult), new apartment, new schools, new job. I was (and still am) forging ahead, across totally foreign terrain, as a single parent. I remember, in the beginning, that it was all about survival, making it from one day to the next. Quality of life got pushed to the sidelines for awhile as we got our feet planted on the ground and comfortable, new routines established.
Soon, we will mark two years in our current apartment, two years of me working at a sub-par job, two years since our fresh start. I am proud of the progress that the girls & I have made, how far we've come. Our apartment is definitely home and while my current job is no where near what one would call a career, it pays the bills and gives me something to occupy my mind 4 days a week.
To say that I am "settling" for my current position would be a granduois understatement. When I graduated from college after working my tail end off for 4.5 years (including numerous internships and a wonderful work/study at the campus library), never did I envision myself, 10 some-odd-years later, working in a field totally not related to either my degree or my experience. My first job out of college had nothing (well, maybe remotely) to do with my freshly obtained degree in sociology but, it did utilize my 3 years of experience in the library realm. I loved that job and said job helped to begin my "career" in libraries. I went on to work in a prison (*gasp*, I know) library for a few years, further expanding my library knowledge and infacuation. When the decision was made for me to stay home full-time after Cara's birth, it was my every intention to return to library land once Cara was in Kindergarten.
Fast forward to August of last year where, try as I might, I could not find a library-related job in the small town that we live in. Heck, I couldn't find any job that would make use of my degree or experience. Thus, settling for the position that I now hold...it's a paycheck and that's about it. I regularly check the classified ads for our small town only to discouraged at the lack of openings. I also religiously check a site that posts library positions throughout the state of Colorado. I have stumbled across several position that I wish I could apply for only to realize, for all intent and purposes, I am stuck in this town, as wonderful as it has been, for several reasons.
1. I really do not want to move the girls, again, just when we have finally established a sense of normalcy here.
2. If we were to move where the majority of these jobs are (Denver Metro area), the girls & I will be on our own and, to be honest, that prospect scares me as, right now, we are so thankful to have my parents close by for moral support, babysitting and so many other things.
3. The costs associated with moving are just too great at this point. The actual move (renting a van, gas for said van) would kill me financially not to mention the costs of finding a new home and establishing child care.
All things considered, for better or worse, we are "stuck" here for awhile. There are good things about being stuck--great, supportive school for the girls, having my parents nearby, the actual town itself--so it's not a total bummer. I have, however, decided that someway, somehow, I have to get unstuck and to move ahead, instead of just subsisting. Even...if that means completely changing things up in terms of what I thought I wanted to do with the rest of my life (be a librarian) and investigate new avenues that spark my interest. Now, I'm still considering my masters in library science because that's still where I feel the strongest pull but, at the same time, I am thinking about what else might be a good match for me. More and more, I am becoming drawn to special education and therapy because of Cara and all that we've been through with her education. I have began to look into requirements for a special education teacher license and find it quite intriguing. I suppose, the possibilities are endless for a new career direction. Who knows what will come of it. In addition to discovering new avenues, I have also decided to being seriously studying for the GRE so that I will have one admission requirement complete if and when I decide to persue a master's degree. Baby steps are what I'm taking but it feels good to be going somewhere...to move forward.
Okay, I think that's enough for one post. More to come as I continue to collect my thoughts. :o)
Showing posts with label life after divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life after divorce. Show all posts
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, March 25, 2011
Welcome to (Single) Parenthood
Upon saying vows and exchanging rings, no one envisions the day when the marriage ends. When parents meet their children for the first time and fall instantly in love, no one thinks that they may be a single parent one day.
No one plans for, or wants things like divorce or single parenthood to happen, and yet, despite our best intentions, they do.
When Ben & I mutually decided to end our marriage last year, I knew that life as I'd known it for the past 10 years was going to drastically change. What I didn't realize was just how much of an impact those changes were going to have.
I've always prided myself on being one who adapted well to change. If I can plan for it, I deal quite well. However, the dissolution of my marriage threw me into totally uncharted waters. When the day came for my daughters and I to pack up our home and move 5 hours away, it seemed, that I had everything together. Boxes were packed and marked with their contents, the moving van had been reserved. But, truth be told, I was just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other. I focused on the things that I did have control over and never more than a few hours ahead.
When we had safely arrived back in my "hometown", I allowed myself time to adjust to my new surroundings and mourn the loss of my marriage, my friends, my way of life. The reality and finality of the choices I had made a few days or weeks earlier hadn't sunk in.
I mean, here I was, a new single parent of two young children. I was starting over at 32 years old. I had to re-establish myself in the working world after having been a stay-at-home mom for 4 years. I needed to find a new home for my children. We needed to establish new routines, a new sense of normal.
Having no other choice, I pulled myself up by the boot-straps and embraced this new-found reality. Within a month of having moved across the state, I had a new job and a new home. My daughters had started new schools and were making new friends. We were settling into new routines.
I struggle daily with how to be everything that my daughters need. Thankfully, they still have a very open & loving relationship with their father even though he is over a thousand miles away in a different state. I am also very thankful for the co-parenting relationship that Ben & I have when it comes to making decisions for our daughters. It is so great to have him in my corner. But, even with Ben, my parents, teachers and therapists helping, I still feel very much alone as I go about the daily tasks of raising my daughters to be great women in society. I struggle with finding the time to be an active participant in their lives. With a work schedule that is far less than ideal, I feel that we are almost like two ships passing in the sea. Whenever the girls see me put on my work clothes, they protest...my oldest saying how she wished I was home when they were and the youngest saying "NO!" and wrapping her adorable self around me. Saying that, "Mommy is doing this so that we can have the things that we need" only offers so much comfort. Everyone assures me that I'm a good mom, that the girls will understand one day and see the strength that I had and such...this, however, fails to console me on the worst days...the days when I barely see my children...the week that goes by without us sitting down to dinner together...the nights that pass without me tucking them in.
I try to cherish each and every moment that I have with my girls and make an effort to establish fun traditions for them. We have pizza & a movie nights, the girls each get "Mommy & Daughter Time" once every few months, we play Barbies, board games or Wii. It is my sincere hope that these will be the times that they remember and not the school functions that I couldn't attend orthe field trips I couldn't chaperone.
Oh, how the guilt eats away at me. I have a severe (and maybe permanent) case of the "would've, could've, should've". Pity parties are also common. How I didn't want this for myself or my children, that it's not fair that I'm doing this alone and struggling so much. Some days, I wish I could throw in the towel but I know this isn't an option.
At this point, all that I can do is attempt to move forward. To know that much living lives ahead and that things can only improve. While I feel stuck with how life is now, I also know that I am empowered to change things, I just need to decide what I want and how I'm going to get it. I will be honest and say that sometimes, that's too much of a concept for me to wrap my head around. Most days, I'm simply in survival mode.
I do know, however, that I want the best possible life for my daughters and that I will stop at nothing to make sure that it materializes. I want to be there for them and for them to feel that I was an active part of their lives, I want us to do things together, to make lasting memories, to laugh, cry, argue and hug. I just want us to "be".
When my daughters are grown and have lives of their own, I want them to look back and know that their mother loved them, that she overcame the odds and made a great life for herself and her children. I want them to be happy and well-adjusted.
While single parenthood was never among my long-term goals, I have learned to embrace my new role and continue to do my best for my children as they are my reason for living, for breathing.
No one plans for, or wants things like divorce or single parenthood to happen, and yet, despite our best intentions, they do.
When Ben & I mutually decided to end our marriage last year, I knew that life as I'd known it for the past 10 years was going to drastically change. What I didn't realize was just how much of an impact those changes were going to have.
I've always prided myself on being one who adapted well to change. If I can plan for it, I deal quite well. However, the dissolution of my marriage threw me into totally uncharted waters. When the day came for my daughters and I to pack up our home and move 5 hours away, it seemed, that I had everything together. Boxes were packed and marked with their contents, the moving van had been reserved. But, truth be told, I was just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other. I focused on the things that I did have control over and never more than a few hours ahead.
When we had safely arrived back in my "hometown", I allowed myself time to adjust to my new surroundings and mourn the loss of my marriage, my friends, my way of life. The reality and finality of the choices I had made a few days or weeks earlier hadn't sunk in.
I mean, here I was, a new single parent of two young children. I was starting over at 32 years old. I had to re-establish myself in the working world after having been a stay-at-home mom for 4 years. I needed to find a new home for my children. We needed to establish new routines, a new sense of normal.
Having no other choice, I pulled myself up by the boot-straps and embraced this new-found reality. Within a month of having moved across the state, I had a new job and a new home. My daughters had started new schools and were making new friends. We were settling into new routines.
I struggle daily with how to be everything that my daughters need. Thankfully, they still have a very open & loving relationship with their father even though he is over a thousand miles away in a different state. I am also very thankful for the co-parenting relationship that Ben & I have when it comes to making decisions for our daughters. It is so great to have him in my corner. But, even with Ben, my parents, teachers and therapists helping, I still feel very much alone as I go about the daily tasks of raising my daughters to be great women in society. I struggle with finding the time to be an active participant in their lives. With a work schedule that is far less than ideal, I feel that we are almost like two ships passing in the sea. Whenever the girls see me put on my work clothes, they protest...my oldest saying how she wished I was home when they were and the youngest saying "NO!" and wrapping her adorable self around me. Saying that, "Mommy is doing this so that we can have the things that we need" only offers so much comfort. Everyone assures me that I'm a good mom, that the girls will understand one day and see the strength that I had and such...this, however, fails to console me on the worst days...the days when I barely see my children...the week that goes by without us sitting down to dinner together...the nights that pass without me tucking them in.
I try to cherish each and every moment that I have with my girls and make an effort to establish fun traditions for them. We have pizza & a movie nights, the girls each get "Mommy & Daughter Time" once every few months, we play Barbies, board games or Wii. It is my sincere hope that these will be the times that they remember and not the school functions that I couldn't attend orthe field trips I couldn't chaperone.
Oh, how the guilt eats away at me. I have a severe (and maybe permanent) case of the "would've, could've, should've". Pity parties are also common. How I didn't want this for myself or my children, that it's not fair that I'm doing this alone and struggling so much. Some days, I wish I could throw in the towel but I know this isn't an option.
At this point, all that I can do is attempt to move forward. To know that much living lives ahead and that things can only improve. While I feel stuck with how life is now, I also know that I am empowered to change things, I just need to decide what I want and how I'm going to get it. I will be honest and say that sometimes, that's too much of a concept for me to wrap my head around. Most days, I'm simply in survival mode.
I do know, however, that I want the best possible life for my daughters and that I will stop at nothing to make sure that it materializes. I want to be there for them and for them to feel that I was an active part of their lives, I want us to do things together, to make lasting memories, to laugh, cry, argue and hug. I just want us to "be".
When my daughters are grown and have lives of their own, I want them to look back and know that their mother loved them, that she overcame the odds and made a great life for herself and her children. I want them to be happy and well-adjusted.
While single parenthood was never among my long-term goals, I have learned to embrace my new role and continue to do my best for my children as they are my reason for living, for breathing.
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